BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

(Don’t get used to it you, cheapskates, this one’s free…to announce “New Face, New Tour”)

I have a big announcement. Okay, it's big for me. It's big for us.

Look, if you subscribe, we’re all in this together. Guess what? I'm going back on tour! I know, I know you guys. I can't stop myself. I can't help myself.

I just came off a 75-city tour called the “Kathy Griffin My Life on the PTSD List Tour”. I'm in editing now for the special that I made based on that tour, which it's actually a stand-up comedy concert film, because it's 1 hour and 45 minutes long. But that story needed time. Now I'm going back to, well, my live shows will always be on the longish side. I don't have an opener. I have a lot to say. I have a lot to say. Okay, so I am announcing the on-sale of a couple of shows.

My very first show back. Now, hold on, let me just say, my first show back after being completely blacklisted for six to seven years, like, couldn't get arrested, almost got arrested, actually, almost got sent to prison. So that's a whole other story, which I made a movie about called “Kathy Griffin: A Hell of a Story”, which you can watch for free tonight on Amazon. Anyway, it tells the whole story.

But go back, I do a 40-city tour. It expands to a 75-city tour, and then I'm thinking, ‘You know what, Kathy? You're 64 years young. They said you couldn't come back, you played Carnegie Hall again, you played Boston Symphony Hall again, you played the Wiltern in Los Angeles, you played the Chicago Theater on New Year's Eve. You did it, Griffin! You did it! Now you can relax, you can just play with the four doggies, enjoying your daily walk in Malibu.’ Which I do. I do a two-hour walk a day. Did you know that? Yeah, I'm a little Forest Gumpy in that way.

Anyway, the tour ended, and it’s not like I was going to retire. By the way, quick sidebar, because, you know, I love a quick sidebar. Years ago, when I was friendly with Cher, I have not hung out with her, well, since the Trump picture if you want to know the truth. But anyway, I love her and will always love her. And I was at her house one time, also in Malibu, and it was when Michael Jackson was announcing his “This Is It” tour. And those of you that are, you know, a little on the older side, such as myself, might remember that was quite a day and quite an announcement, and he kept going, ‘This is it. This is really it. This is my last tour, these are my last shows, and then I'm never going to tour again’. And I just remember Cher looking at the TV and dryly in her very Cher way, goes, “I know what that is. That's called how to sell tickets!”

So okay, now we're back to the original story. I am not saying this is my farewell tour, although if I was smart, I would. I'm just saying, I got a facelift five weeks ago. I made a video about it because I've learned. Okay, this is my third facelift. So, yeah, you can take your thoughts that you're having right now and stick ‘em where the sun don't shine. If you're judging me. But my first one I had in 1998, and I did a big article about it for Glamour magazine, and I think I sat down with like Entertainment Tonight and stuff. And then the second one, I didn't tell anybody.

And then this last one, I thought, you know, the thing about having a face lift and trying to decide whether to talk about it is actually because when you're, okay, when you're me and you've been around this long and you hold the record for the most stand-up comedy specials of any comedian, male or female, living or dead, and you've got a Grammy for Best Comedy album, one of only four women. And, you know I’ve got to be braggy, but, you know, you think that maybe, like the cheesy fun tabloid press is going to write about that stuff. And instead, they usually just write that I'm old and haggard and a has-been. And either I'm in every article saying like, who's had work done and who had too much and too little. And I'm always on the wrong side of that argument. Like, I've never been in the column where they're like, ‘Comedian Kathy Griffin had just the right amount of work done.’

No. Okay. So I just thought, what actually bothers me isn't so much talking about it. Because if I'm in the mood to talk about a facelift, and certainly if I can make it funny, I'm going to do that. But I have to be honest, and I mentioned this in the video, I find it quite misogynistic when a male interviewer asks me about it, but really demands to know every single thing I've had done and when and why.

And usually it's followed by, “Don't you know how pitiful you are? Or can't you have any self-confidence?” And it's like, "I wouldn't exactly make that leap? But, all right, sir."

And it's also quite ageist because, like I said, when I had my first one in 1998, I talked about it because I really thought it was odd that so many people were having work done, and acting like they didn't have it done. Lying about it. But on the other hand, it was none of my business, none of my beeswax. So then I turned into the person who talked about it, I went on Oprah. Oprah would only have me on her show if I talked about plastic surgery, even though I wanted to promote whatever was my latest comedy special or whatever TV show I was on or whatever. And feeling kind of like, Oh God, I'm reduced to the comedian that talks about her work - or worse - the comedian that needs so much work. Like, it's a choice, you guys. It's an elective surgery. It's a choice. I have vanity, just like anybody else. I wish I could say, I have no regrets in life, and I wouldn't change a thing about myself. But that's bullshit. I have many regrets, and I would change plenty. And I have changed. Now, some shit I don't change. Like I have real boobs, and I just don't want to get a boob job. It's weird. I'll get stuff yanked and pulled, but I feel, I don't know about having a foreign object. I've heard too many horror stories. But my boobs are real, and they're very jiggly, and they're very real, and then almost every bra that I try on gives me double boob. All right, I've just lost the gay boys. Boys! Hold on! Come back! Come back! We're talking about a tour!

So anyway, I just made a video saying, I'm only going to talk about my face work if I'm in the mood and I'm just going to be open, especially with any male interviewers and just say something like, "It's none of your business, I'm not going to talk about it. Or I'm going to talk about it and hopefully I'll make it entertaining or something. Or I don't know, maybe I have a cautionary tale or something. I, okay, I could go on and on about that. So then I made the video about getting the facelift. Now, I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's my YouTube show, which is free. You have to subscribe. I think you have to subscribe. Anyways, it's free, and it's every Tuesday and it's called “Kathy Griffin Talk Your Head Off”. Get it? Inspired by a certain photo you may have heard of. Anyway, it's just me looking in the camera and popping off. I don't even have a guest. I can't even be bothered with celebrities canceling. I've already been canceled enough, don't you think, people? And so I just look at the camera and pop off about whatever, and I try to make it funny and entertaining, and it's not stand-up per se, but it's stories, you know. And I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this. But since my YouTube show was about four episodes in, I have been in either the Daily Mail once a week or Page Six, the New York Post. Robert Murdoch-owned, by the way, not the Daily Mail. I forgot, but there's a Rupert Murdochian figure that owns the Daily Mail, I believe. You guys can correct me in the comments. Because I will read them, though, I promise. Because if you're subscribing, you're probably not, well, you're not a troll. Although, you know, I, that's why I have paywalls. Okay, I've been trolled more than you can imagine. Okay, so I just thought it would be funny now that I've said, I had a facelift and times have changed and girls that are, you know, 17, having facelifts or whatever. So I just thought, I'm going back on the road.

What if I called the tour “New Face, New Tour”? And it's been a hit among my friends, and as some of you know, who know me, meaning even if we've never met, but you've followed me around my little journey of comedy that I try out my material, not on regular audiences like a normal comic, but I just try material out on people that I run into, like whether it's my Pilates class or good friends or frenemies or someone I barely know, I've gone up to people in grocery stores and tried to engage them in a store to try out material. That's just how I've always done it. By the way, which also explains a lot of the reasons I've probably gotten in trouble for talking smack. Anyway, do you guys think that's why I'm in the Daily Mail or Page Six once a week? And can you at least feel my pain?

Because I'm a D-List celebrity. I get it. They're not going to put me on the Best Dressed List and I'm not going to be nominated for a Golden Globe.

And I still can't get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In fact, they wrote me a letter one time saying, ‘Stop asking. You're just embarrassing yourself.’

But I do have a star on the Palm Springs Walk of Fame, which is very gay, and I'm very proud of it.

So anyway, the only thing that I find kind of amusing is that the articles, like I said, they don't even talk about my YouTube show, or maybe they'll mention it in passing, which is all I ask, by the way. I kind of don't mind if you're talking shit about me, but at least mention that I have a YouTube show or a Substack or a Patreon or my TikTok or more importantly, my live tour dates. But instead, all the articles are about how old I am and how when I work out, I don't wear makeup. And one had a title saying, ‘Comedian Kathy Griffin Goes Out On With Natural Hair’, because my hair wasn't straightened, because it was like my normal, curly red hair, and I'm a ginger through and through. Okay. So I just thought, let's just name the tour “’New Face, New Tour’, even though by the time I do my first date, my face will have fallen. I'll probably be on my way to my fourth one.

Okay, so I'm opening - and this is a miniature tour, this isn't a 75-city situation - but I'm opening in Las Vegas at Planet Hollywood on Saturday, November 8^th. Please come see me. Make it a destination weekend.

I mean, this weekend, I'm going to see Kelly Clarkson and Backstreet Boys, and I'm going with Team Griffin. It's a Team Griffin reunion. So, Tiffany's going to be there with me. And then my assistant, John, who was my assistant after Tiffany, and my current assistant, Jonathan, who's a doll and a riot. And so, that's a destination weekend. Come on! So please let me be your Kelly Clarkson/Backstreet Boys/Vegas Debauchery Weekend and come see me at Planet Hollywood, November 8th.

And this is a new face and all new material. So, if you saw me on the last tour, it's all new.

And then I can announce Anaheim - at the Grove of Anaheim – on Saturday, November 22^nd. And I can tell you a few of the other cities I am coming to, because the most common question I get isn't necessarily about the venue name or the date, but it's about, ‘Are you coming to my city?’ So far, I am also going to Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Palm Springs, Tacoma, San Francisco, San Diego, and that's all for now. I really hope to see you there.

And these shows are in theaters. They're not in comedy clubs, I don't do comedy clubs anymore. It's just not my vibe. I've done theaters my whole career. I'm a theater comic. I tell stories. I don't do one-liners. That's why. Please watch my new special when it comes out on YouTube.

And like I said, I get it. I'm not for everybody. I'm an acquired taste.

You either love me or hate me. And you know what? I can't help it.

Those are my favorite type of people myself, so maybe that's why I'm one of those.

And yes, of course, I followed Trump going after Rosie O'Donnell last weekend. It was just so awful. And somebody from the New York Times got my personal cell and they wanted to know if I had spoken to her, and so she sent me a response that was so fast and so perfect. And so I'm going to read you Rosie's full response to Trump, who was trolling her on Truth Social and threatening to revoke her citizenship, which, by the way, he can't even do.

But anyway, here you go.

"Hey, Donald, you're rattled again? 18 years later, and I still live rent-free in that collapsing brain of yours. You call me a threat to humanity? But I'm everything you fear. A loud woman, a queer woman, a mother who tells the truth, an American who got out when the country caught fire. You build walls. I build a life for my autistic kid in a country where decency still exists. You crave loyalty. I teach my children to question power. You sell fear on golf courses. I make art about surviving trauma. You lie, you steal, you degrade. I nurture, I create, I persist. You are everything that is wrong with America, and I'm everything you hate about what's still right with it. You want to revoke my citizenship, go ahead and try King Geoffrey with the Tangerine spray tan. I'm not yours to silence. I never was. Rosie.

And you guys, it's that spirit that makes me just so in love with her, and I'm proud to be her friend, and I thought that statement was perfect. And I just think it's hilarious that she still gets under his skin, and I know I do as well. So come commit an act of resistance and come see Kathy Griffin Live! Get your tickets now for Vegas and Anaheim, and then come see me in one of the other cities.

I'll read them one more time. So far, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Palm Springs, Tacoma, San Francisco, San Diego. I love you guys, and please come see me live and give me a chance to make you laugh for the evening on the “Kathy Griffin: New Face, New Tour”. All right, talk to you guys next time.